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Almost Human gag reel

(via sinsensory)

Source: rennerd
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fwips:

best purchase of 2014 tbh

Source: fwips
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zaughty:

This is so cute

(via bropunzeling)

Source: zaughty
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escapekit:

$5 MAKES A DIFFERENCE

Ogilvy & Mather New Zealand has created a series of clever ads for wildlife organization Forest & BirdIncorporating actual money the ads show how even small donations of $5 can help “put a bird back in its natural environment”. 

 

(via oftheforest)

Source: escapekit
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chriskreider:

Daniel & Henrik’s tiebreaker ends in a tie (+)

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(via agentpantybunches)

Source: kesrows
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ofgeography:

peaceontheplanet replied to your post “hey all! so i hit a frankly stupid follower benchmark this week, and…”

Can you tell me another story? I’m bored out of my mind working for insurance and could use an lol. Hope you’re having an otherwise good day with your stupid follower count :)

sure, peaceontheplanet. i mean i can’t promise it’s gonna be as funny as the internet apparently found the porn thing but like, HERE’S A STORY ABOUT THE TIME I GOT MUGGED AT KNIFEPOINT (BUT BY A GENTLEMAN).

so when i was studying in argentina, it was like a thursday, and they were having what’s called a “feria” which is kind a holiday?? in argentina sometimes they decide to CANCEL EVERYTHING, ostensibly to celebrate things like books and students but i suspect really so that nobody has to go to work.

  • argentina gets me.

ANYWAY, i decided that day to go the gym! this was new and different for me, a person who considers “intense chewing” to be exercise. 

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BIKINI BOD: ON TRACK.

so i went to the gym. it went the way that trips to the gym usually do for 5’8” girls with severe pigeon toes and a total lack of all motivation.

  • badly.

as i’m walking home, past the college of dentistry, i was fussing with a lighter that i had in my pocket because i was also, at that time, dealing with my fear of intimacy by smoking. so this guy comes up to me and is like, “hey, can i borrow a light?”

here’s a list of things i should have said:

  • "sorry, no."
  • "ahhhhhh you know what, i would, but i’m super busy right now??? i actually have a dentist’s appointment, as evidenced by this College of Dentistry that i’m standing outside??"
  • "NO HABLO ESPAÑOL."
  • "don’t you know that smoking gives you cancer? let’s commit to quitting, right now, to each other. bring it in. go team. together we can."

here’s what i did say:

  • "claro que sí, amigo."

he’s trying to light his cigarette, and his hands are shaking a little? so he can’t. and i’m like, dude, calm down, it’s okay. what is this, your first cigarette or something? lol.

after a few seconds, he kind of goes, “fuck it,” and drops the lighter into his pocket. and i’m like, “excuse me??? that’s my lighter?? also you didn’t even manage to light your cigarette???”  but before i can vocalize these protests, he gets rEALLY close to me and pulls out a knife. then he goes, “you have three seconds.”

what i should have said:

  • "okay. you can have whatever you want."
  • "here’s my wallet."
  • "wow, what a very sharp-looking knife, in what way can i avoid being stabbed with it today??"

what i actually said:

  • "haha, uhhhhh, until what?"

UNTIL WHAT. “UNTIL WHAT, MR. SIR WITH THE KNIFE? LIKE, WHAT’S ON THE MENU HERE????”

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BUT HE DIDN’T SAY DEATH!!! it turns out that the gentleman attempting to rob me was like, maybe a rookie? it’s possible that he had never robbed anybody at knife-point, before. this as an experience that we were going through together for the first time.

because what he said was: “….i have a knife.

i said, “yes. i can see that. it’s very nice.”

  • IN MY DEFENSE: IF YOU ARE GOING TO ROB SOMEONE, THE ONUS IS ON YOU TO GIVE CLEAR DIRECTIONS.
  • "i have a knife"??? come on, buddy. be better prepared. come with a to-do list. practice in a mirror.
  • "then i’m going to pull out the knife and say: give me _____."
  • clear, concise, quick. that should be your motto, buddy. it is not MY JOB, as the ROBBEE, to read your goddamn mind. I AM NOT DRIVING THIS SHIP. IF YOU ALSO AREN’T DRIVING IT, WE ARE IN TITANIC-LEVEL TROUBLE.

at this point, clearly realizing that he had gotten in tOO DEEP with this dumbass tourist who didn’t even know how to get robbed properly, he blurted out, “uhhhhh, do you have a phone?”

i did have a phone! i had a broken claro go-phone that i had purchased upon entering the country which had 2 argentine pesos worth of text messages left in it and a inbox message from a boy name juan that said, “you like me a LOT.”

  • i had responded, “actually, i just like you the normal amount.”
  • i felt bad about that when i realized that he was trying to say, “i like YOU a lot,” but feelings verbs in spanish are mostly reflexive.
  • SORRY JUAN.

i handed the man with the knife my phone. he looked at it. looked back up at me. “r u srs?” his face seemed to say. “this is what you’re giving me right now? a janky ass claro go-phone that is CLEARLY MISSING THE NUMBER 7 KEY????”

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look, the shoddy workmanship is a source of frustration to you and me BOTH, okay. we’re BOTH victims here.

but the beautiful thing about this story is that HE TOOK IT! he looked at me, looked down at his knife, sighed, and put the phone in his pocket. THEN HE REACHED BACK INTO HIS POCKET AND RETURNED MY LIGHTER TO ME.

we looked at each other.

  • here’s the thing that no one tells you about daylight robbery: there’s like. an afterbeat.
  • there is a moment in between “robbery-in-progress” and “going home to your homestay and explaining that you can’t answer phone calls anymore” where you and your robber have to look at one another and figure out HOW TO WALK AWAY.
  • listen, friends: in robberies, as everywhere, goodbyes are never easy.

"thank you," he said.

"you’re welcome," i answered.

he hesitated. “have a good day,” he said.

"………….okay," i answered. "you too. enjoy the phone."

  • ENJOY THE PHONE?????
  • IT WAS BROKEN. IT WAS CLEARLY BROKEN. WE BOTH KNEW THAT NOTHING BUT HEARTACHE WAS GOING TO COME FROM THAT PHONE.

i think about this a lot, and i wonder if he ever thinks about me. i wonder if he ever thinks, “that goddamn asshole knew i was going to have to press the 7 key four hundred times before it registered anything.” 

  • i’m sorry, man with the knife. i panicked. in the heat of the moment, we all say things we don’t mean.
Source: ofgeography
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coelasquid:

mythicarticulations:

Announcing the original “Chupacabra in a Can”! This poseable Chupacabra skeleton is finally completed and up for sale! You can find it in our Etsy store.

WHAT A COOL THING!

WHAT A COOL STORE!

(via queenklu)

Source: mythicarticulations
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Answer
  • Question: OK so building off that previous heist ask, if you had to assemble a team of professional hockey players (doesn't have to be nhl) to pull off a heist (maybe breaking into the hockey hall of fame to STEAL THE STANLEY CUP, but you could go for something else if you want), who would you pick and why? - mustachio-furioso
  • Answer:

    ofgeography:

    first of all, i feel like this question understands who and what i am on a fundamental level. IF YOU CAN’T WIN IT, STEAL IT. anyway, i’m not saying that i definitely already have a list of hockey players i’d call on to help me steal the stanley cup, but i’m saying it’s possible that i do. 

    with no further ado:

    1. martin st. louis. the man is small, fast, and i’ll bet could fit under a moving room service trolly when the rest of us dressed up like waiters. DON’T ASK ME WHY WE’RE DRESSED UP LIKE WAITERS, OK, I AM NOT THE MASTERMIND.

    2. the sedin twins. i don’t know exactly what situation will call on us to have someone appear to be in two different places at the same time, but i’m certain that the situation will arise, and then i will be ready.

    3. shannon szabados. you want someone who’s not afraid of anything and who’s probably at least a little bit crazy??? get a goalie. get shannon szabados, because she is both of those things and she has great hair.

    4. alexander ovechkin. i am so totally sure that a time will come when we need someone to be a distraction and if there is one thing that i have full confidence alexander ovechkin can pull off, it’s “walk into a room and make sure everyone is giving you their complete attention.”

    5. jocelyn and monique lamoureux. every crack team needs some muscle, and what i appreciate about these ladies is that they do it with flair. also, since they play women’s hockey where technically they’re not allowed to hit people, they’re extra sneaky.

    6. sidney crosby. the man’s the best playmaker in the game right now, so he’s obviously going to be our mastermind. but HERE’S THE CATCH: i have a feeling that sidney crosby would totally tell on us to gary bettman for, idk, disrespecting the sanctity of the stanley cup. so i would enders game the shit out of him. “oh, mr. crosby, i’m just writing a children’s book about a team of hockey players who steal the stanley cup, haha, isn’t that cute? so cute. just wondering: how would you do it, if you did it? it’s for fiction, this isn’t real.” GOTCHA, CROSBY.

    7. jonathan quick. have you SEEN how flexible that man is?! heist movies always require a flexible dude to fit into small spaces and dodge lasers. jquick is that dude.
       
    8. eddie lack. if it all goes to shit, i’m just going to throw eddie lack at the authorities. nobody’s going to arrest eddie lack. look at him. look at him for five minutes just living his normal life and tell me you’re willing to put him away.

    BUT MOLLYHALL, you all say. HOW COULD YOU LEAVE OUT YOUR BOY JMFJ?

    guys, come on. jmfj would never participate in this kind of this. jmfj obeys the law. jmfj respects uncle sam. (jmfj is driving the getaway car.)

Source: ofgeography
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bigbadrussian:

imsirius:

Also, I got into hockey when I was up [in Canada] as well x

You’re a bastard, Harry…

(via teaandbrimstone)

Source: imsirius